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Do You Like My Wiener?: a non-expert's
no-nonsense guide to dating
by Brenda Rothert
Ladies, we’ve all been there…a good first date is wrapping up and we’re sure a second date is likely after a great goodnight kiss beside our car. He’s tall, funny and charming. FINALLY a good one. He asks to get in the car, which seems natural since it’s cold outside. And then, once inside, another kiss, and he exposes himself and asks us if we like his wiener.
Wait, what? You haven’t been there? Guess that one only happened to me. What about the guy who spends most of a first date complaining bitterly about his ex-wife? The one with the guy who cops to his criminal record over dessert?
Dating these days can leave a girl frustrated and disgusted. But fear not, I’m here to help. I’m a veteran dater, having spent a fair amount of time in the cheap-cologne scented trenches. And while I am admittedly not an expert, I can help you avoid my mistakes.
I’ll show you how to prepare yourself for dating, how to spot the red flags and how to laugh off the misadventures you will inevitably have. And hopefully, how to avoid an awkward wiener encounter of your own.
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PICTURE IT: I’m on my way to a first date with a cute guy I met on a dating site. I’m feeling good— got my hair and nails done, put my jeans in the dryer for an extra ten minutes so they’re fitting just right, and I’m wearing my favorite heels because this guy is quite tall, and I won’t feel like a giant next to him in heels.
For our first meeting, we’re getting together at an upscale bar for a drink. It’s attached to a very popular restaurant, and the parking lot is nearly full on this Friday night. I park in the back, and when I get out to walk in, I run into my date, who is also walking in. I recognize him from his photos on the dating site.
I’m happy with what I see. He has a very friendly smile, and he’s wearing a nice shirt with jeans. And? He really is as tall as he said on his profile. We walk inside together, where we have a drink and some nice conversation.
When it’s time to go, I button up my coat, and he walks me all the way to the back of the parking lot, where my car is. It’s a cold winter evening, and I can see our breath as we stand next to my car facing each other.
It’s the moment of truth: will he or won’t he kiss me? I reach up to hug him, and after the hug, he does, in fact, kiss me. Then he kisses me again. And a few more times after that. He’s very tall, he smells good, and he’s a good kisser. I’m feeling good. But it’s really cold out, so when he asks me if we can get into my car, I say sure. I’d rather make plans to see him again away from the bitter wind.
I should stop here and tell you that before going out with this guy, I had already checked him out. I knew his last name, where he worked, and that he’d never been arrested. I always check these things out before meeting a date in person. So I did feel safe inviting him to sit in my car with me in a parking lot where lots of people were coming and going. More on this part later.
We get into my car and warm up a bit. He’s even cuter with rosy cheeks. He leans over and kisses me again. I’m thinking he’s definitely second-date worthy.
And then . . .
There’s no delicate way to put this, guys. I look over and see that he has just exposed himself to me. He has his hand wrapped around his bare . . . you know, sausage, and the look on his face is nothing short of open pride.
I gape, my eyes shooting to his. And then he says the words I shall never, ever forget:
“Do you like my wiener?”
I’ve fielded so many amused, incredulous questions from my girlfriends on this that I know what you’re thinking. No, he wasn’t kidding at all. Yes, he really called it his wiener. And yes, he seemed to think this unexpected display of his manhood would turn me on.
It did not. I was shocked and utterly, completely disappointed. He had seemed so nice. And nice guys don’t whip it out without warning on a first date.
Now, I could have dressed him down right there, but let’s face it. He wouldn’t have gotten the point. So I said the only thing I could to defuse the moment. “Um . . . yeah, it’s very nice.”
My girlfriends got a huge kick out of that one. *eyeroll*
I should have just told him to exit my car and my life in that moment. It took me another thirty seconds or so to do it, though. He took my awkward response as encouragement and told me what he wanted me to do to his wiener, at which point I told him no and goodnight.
But seriously, who expects to find themselves in such a crazily inappropriate moment? Well, if you’re going to date, you should expect the cringeworthy. It will come your way.
You should also expect moments of joy, disappointment, hope, and relief. Dating in this day and age is not for the faint of heart. But you can prepare yourself, and I hope to help you do that.
So who am I anyway, and how am I qualified to help?
As the subtitle of this book states, I’m no expert. I’m not sure what makes one a true expert, but I’d never call myself one. I have been in the trenches, though. I’m twice divorced and have been on many dates when single. I’ve dated at different life stages— in my twenties and in my forties, with kids and without, through thick and thin (Yep, I’m talking about my waistline, and surprisingly, I’m more confident now even though there’s more junk in the trunk). I’m a former journalist and the author of more than twenty-five romance novels.
I look at every date as a learning experience. And in this book, I’m going to share with you what I’ve learned. I hope you can avoid at least some of my mistakes and go in a little wiser than I did.
A lot of single women believe there aren’t many good guys out there to date. I know this feels like the truth sometimes, but it hasn’t been my experience. To find the good guys, though, you have to be both smart and tenacious.
Success happens when preparation meets opportunity. If you want to find a partner, I believe you absolutely can and will. It won’t happen overnight, and it probably won’t be easy.
But first, you have to be prepared. So let’s start preparing you, girl.