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“I get that.” There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Mark leaned closer. “Come on. Who are you talking to? I know you almost better than you know yourself. And I tried to tell you that seeing Wendy was a mistake.” There was an edge to Finn’s voice.
“Yeah. Well… I got Lonnie out of it, and he is worth all the hurt and soul-searching I did.”
Finn’s expression softened. “I can’t argue with that. But you weren’t true to yourself or to her. I understand that it’s not always easy to accept things about ourselves. But you and I are gay. I knew that about you almost as soon as I knew it about myself.”
Mark rolled his eyes. “Well, forgive me for just wanting to be like everyone else. My parents treat my brother, Donald, as though he hung the damned moon. He has a wife, four kids, a home, two cars—basically everything my dad ever wanted.”
“You have Lonnie, though,” Finn said.
Mark nodded. “But I have nothing else. I just thought that if I tried and could make things work with her, then maybe they’d see something in me like they do with him.” He had to be honest with Finn, but it was difficult to admit to yet another mistake. “I really tried with her.”
“But you can’t deny who the person you are,” Finn told him. “I know you’ve always had trouble with being gay, but….” He took a sip of the soda.
“I know, and I’ve come to accept that part of myself. I had to.” He lowered his gaze to the floor. “I’ve had to accept that I’ve done things I’m not proud of.” He was a mess, a real mess, and he knew it. Mark knew that he couldn’t change everything all at once and that things came in steps. Each day he tried to move forward. He had a job, and for now, a place to live.
“What are you going to do?” Finn asked.
Mark shrugged. “I don’t have a grand plan. But there are things I want. I need for Lonnie to be okay and safe. More than anything, I want to be his father and to give him a good life. Lonnie deserves better than a messed-up father who has no clue who he is. He deserves that.”
Finn nodded slowly. “Can I ask about the alcohol?”
Mark wasn’t going to hold back. “It got control of my life. I let it. The struggle is a daily battle, but it’s one I’m determined to win. I know I will never be able to drink again, but Lonnie is worth it. He deserves a father who isn’t in the bag all the time.”
Finn got up and came over to perch on the wide arm of the chair. “I know all about making mistakes. I made more than my fair share, and I still do.” Finn patted his shoulder, and Mark could feel the heat long after Finn had lifted his hand away. He closed his eyes for a few seconds just to remember what that little burst of excitement felt like. Then reality returned like a cold blanket. No matter what he might feel for Finn, he couldn’t act on it. Losing Finn’s friendship was just too big of a risk. He had clung to it even when he was scraping the bottom of the barrel, in a hospital, trying to detoxify from near-fatal alcohol poisoning. More than once he had wished the end had come, but Lonnie as well as memories of Finn, their friendship, and knowing he would be there no matter what helped bring him through all that.
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